Making Goodbyes Easier
(created from the ideas of Marty Beyer, PhD)
How you help them say goodbye can make a big difference.
- You can make them feel loved.
- You can reassure them by showing you are happy you will be seeing them soon.
- You can give them reminders of you together that will support your attachment.
To make sure the goodbye at the end of the visit helps them the most, stand in their shoes. At their age, what will they understand best?
For children under 2 who do not use many words, it is hardest to figure out what will make them look forward to the next visit. When they aren’t with you, they aren’t old enough to be able to remember a lot from week to week. Giving them a stuffed animal to bring back and forth to visits can be a help.
Keeping the same routine of saying hello and goodbye can fix you in their mind.
Most 2-5 year olds do not know the difference between tomorrow and next week, so your emphasis should be on one thing you will do together at the next visit, not when. Although they may not have an easy time talking on the phone, giving them a picture of you together can be reassuring
At ages 2-5, something you repeat at every goodbye can be a help, such as singing the same song or coming up with your own goodbye ritual like an enthusiastic cheerleader.
School age children will be able to look forward to a visit on a specific day and to talk to you on the telephone.
The older children get, the more possible it is for them to be in charge of bringing something to the visit, such as an art project they want to show you. Make a scrapbook of old photographs or pictures they draw, with stories that help them remember the past and help them look forward to in visits.
Drawing each other a picture during the visit for you each to take with you or bringing a loving note to give them when they leave can help say goodbye.
Probably the best goodbye advice is to do more listening and less talking. Your children cannot understand your complex feelings or plans for the future. You will be full of feelings as the visit ends, but those are for you to talk to another adult about. Listen to your children. Agree with them that it is hard to say goodbye.
While saying goodbye at the end of visits can be painful for you and your child(ren), trying some of the suggestions above and creating a routine can be very helpful. You can come up with your own ideas for what this can be and together, with your child(ren), create a goodbye ritual that will help make this hard time a little easier.
