Grief and Loss
Children living with parental substance abuse, particularly those involved with child welfare, have usually gone through some sort of grief and mourning process.
After all, separating from a parent is a kind of loss, even though it may not be permanent. Even if the parent was not the greatest parent, or the home environment was dangerous or violent, most children have a bond with their parent and long to be with them. Even those children who have not been physically separated have experienced the loss of a parent’s attention, nurturing, and focus.
Loss refers to the feelings a person has when someone or something important is taken away. Grief means having emotional, social, psychological, physical, or spiritual reactions in order to recover from a loss.
Types of Loss
Usually when we think of a loss, we think of death – a loss that is permanent, clear-cut, and surrounded with rituals for mourning, such as funerals and bringing food to mourners. But not all loss is so clear-cut.
A very common type of loss for families is known as “ambiguous” or unclear loss. When a loss is “unclear” or incomplete, there are no rituals attached, and usually there is no formal social support. This is usually because people feel guilty or ashamed or because the family is in crisis and there is no chance to mourn the loss.
Being separated from a parent because of parental substance abuse is a kind of ambiguous or unclear loss. Other adults may minimize the child’s loss, because the parent was not providing adequate care, or because the parent has not died and is still in contact with the child.
Domino Theory
Loss can act like a set of dominos. Thinking about one loss can trigger memories of past losses, even in children. So experiencing a single loss, such as separation from a parent can make a child remember other past losses and traumas.
Children’s Grief Responses
Most children are not able to clearly express their emotions with words. Instead, they substitute behaviors to communicate their feelings.
Sometimes, these behaviors are confusing to adults who are standing on the sidelines. Below are some typical behaviors shown by children who are trying to cope with the loss of being separated from their parent. Evaluations of children soon after separation may lead to misdiagnoses of severe behavioral problems.
- Unfocused and distractible – the child is thinking about the parent’s well-being and has troubled staying grounded in the present.
- Anger and misbehavior – the child understands his loss as a forced separation and is angry at those he believes have caused the situation. He may break toys or throw things, push others or behave aggressively
- Distant and withdrawn – to protect him or herself from the pain of separation, the child withdraws inside. In the extreme, the child may stop talking. Adults may view the child as uncaring or unmoved, when it is really just the opposite.
- Good initial adjustment – the child is very obedient and well-behaved. From the outside, this looks like the child has made a good adjustment. It might be the child’s way of trying to prevent another separation from the new caregiver.
- Babyish behaviors – the child may regress to behaviors common in younger children, such as thumb sucking, baby talk, or bed wetting. The child is showing feelings of depression and anxiety.
How to Help
People often assume there is nothing they can do, except allow for the passage of time, when it comes to dealing with grief and loss. But that is not true. You can:
- Say you understand – Give the child the message early that you understand his sadness at leaving important people. Let him share his feelings of sadness, anger, or grief. Avoid saying such things as: “That was yesterday and you’re with us now,” “Don’t think about them, we’re your parents now,” or “Don’t worry, you’ll forget them soon.”
- Keep the schedule light – At this time, children do not need constant motion, but rather an environment in which time for sharing and talking is a priority.
- Visits – Abrupt separations create trauma and add to the panic and fear attached to loss. Periodic and planned contacts by phone or in person with parents can help move a child through the stages of grief.
- Physical touch – Researchers say that people need eight to ten meaningful touches a day to maintain emotional and physical health. Children feel strength from a parent who sits close to them when they are sharing strong feelings. A touch on a shoulder or a lap to sit on reassures a troubled youngster of secure love and concern. This is true for younger and older children.
